I don’t really like to dwell on who I am crushing on or the fine details of it. I feel like to keep the intricate details private. Let it shine in all of its anonymity. So here’s a story, one of many in fact, that I felt I wanted to share.
Every moment before him, was like I was a zombie. I was oblivious to how much God would open your eyes when you would see his divinity shine so much within a being. But I would breathe, go forth with everyday life, and aim to read and find love through fictional characters. Our story wasn’t something like love at first sight, or anything extravagant. It was more like walking and tripping, realising only last minute that you’re falling, and it’s too late to save your heart from the fall. That’s the truth. My heart had fallen against rocks, against oceans, against the deepest of pits. I never knew it. I was so oblivious, so indifferent to it, that the moment I realised it, it was like a string of lights pulling me towards something I didn’t know existed, until it stopped at him. As I started to make sense of it all, I realised a beauty that was living right in front of me. From that moment I had stolen glances, images of him talking, smiling, and hanging out with others. I hid them in words I’ll probably never show anyone, and in letters addressed to him, even though he’ll probably never receive them. From that, he became everything my life was about, not because I was obsessed with him, but because some part of me somehow knew that all of this was temporary. As if I needed to capture this moment, because it might never come back at all.
Honestly, he’s the only man, I’ve ever loved, and probably will ever love. After that moment, every other boy has been monotonous, not as riveting and soul wrenching as this one. The boy I lost my heart to, barely knows me. Everyday day after school I would catch the bus, and live in the heart of the moment, talking with him, appreciating that this would be the only thing we’d sum up to. Bus rides home, and small talk down the street. Some part of me wanted something more out of it. Some part of me wanted to desperately try and keep those moments alive, but I was pressured by an impeding reality that it had to end…It demanded to end.
Accepting the fact that I was only meant to watch love, instead of being a part of it was hard to come to terms with at first. But, slowly I slipped into the passenger seat, watch one of the best things slip right past. I can tell you, there were nights, I was frustrated, I wanted everything to be clear. Should I take the leap and say how much he has changed my world, or should I just wait because I knew innately that this was going to end. Now I watch, look at him at awe, taking as much as I can with me on my walks home.
He was a breeze that made you remember an old memory, one that would make you laugh… I knew we were going to end even though we never really started. I guess I just wanted more. I didn’t want this to be something I’d just let slip and regret it for the rest of my life.
He was a daydream I wished would never end.