Are we out of the woods yet? Are we in the clear yet? – Taylor Swift.
I’m here writing, with no real reasons why. All I know, is that today I realised that I am finishing high school really soon. With no entire idea of what I want to do with my life. And that is kind of killing me.
A year ago, I was full of ambitions. I wanted to succeed here on WordPress, and have my own business, become an actress. I had a trajectory of where I wanted my life to go. In other words I was sorted, and I was in control. But today, I looked at myself, after talking to my brother on the phone. He kept saying ‘work hard’ ‘stop being lazy because you are only getting older’. ‘You need to put something in this world to get something out of it’. I took his advice deeply. I could feel him say ‘use every minute productively and always work towards securing yourself’. It really hit me hard. I reflected on myself, how during these school holidays, I have been getting up around 10:00am, eating then sitting down. How many days I’ve done this, makes me so ashamed. Possibly years of wasted time…
Throughout the years though I have mastered the trick of fooling myself, making myself believe I do more than I actually do. Growing up, I worked hard at school, achieved great marks etc. In all honesty, I’ve been a relatively good kid I think, to my parents. I’ve slipped up here and there occasionally, but I’ve come home saying to my mother how much I like school, and how I’ve always tried my best. But some part of me always thinks that that doesn’t necessarily make you a successful child…
I’m starting to finalise my year as a student and it’s making me realise so much. I don’t know where I am, who I am, or where I sit in this pit we all call life. All I know is that today this desperation started to travel throughout me. A thought saying ‘if you don’t make anything of yourself, life will consume you’. I know last year I wanted to attend university undertaking a degree in professional writing and editing, then leading on to Journalism. But now everything seems vague. I don’t have the money, I don’t have the drive for it anymore. Not just that, going to university doesn’t solve anything. It won’t help me achieve my dreams, it will prolong it, distract me from what I really want from this world. Everything has changed. All I feel is this desperation to try and get on top before I fall.
Maybe I can become the ‘master of my fate, the captain of my soul’. Start today and try and make a success of myself… Try and climb out of this pit…
I’ve been a huge supporter of education, and to this day I feel as if it’s essential, but some form of reality is hitting me that education never taught me about. I know right, how ironic. But in all honesty, I’m going to leave this place with a score that won’t even matter in the real world. Yes it might guarantee me an entrance into a university, but I’m just going to keep trying to keep up with myself…I’ll need to satisfy my desires once more in hopes of getting a job. And when I get a job, will work the rest of my life trying to satisfy other’s dreams… I think I have realised that no one is out there for you when you leave school. Those teachers that wanted you to get the best score, were doing only that. What about the months after I leave school? What about everything else? I know I am becoming an adult, and can feel my mother start to push responsibility on me. After all, I’m not a kid anymore, my choices will have consequences, and no one will be there to shelter me from it.
I think under everything, I realised that no one is out there for you. I’ve spent my years in high school, working my butt off just to get the satisfaction of having a nice ‘A’ or 80% on a test. No one is going to hold my hand. I can’t drive unlike people my age, I can’t do a lot like people my age. But life is brutal, it doesn’t care. If I want to at least control my own life, I need to fight for it. I mean my desire for satisfaction has worsened even more now that I’m in year 12, as I am always faced with the idea that every test goes towards my overall score, everything matters. FOR WHAT?
I guess that’s why I am here, one year later, attempting to reignite a flame. I could say I want to act, perform, start my business, do all of these things, but nothing is as reassuring as me coming here to write. I’m here realising that I need to climb out of this hole before it consumes me, and writing seems to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I could get a job, but everyone around me looks miserable, stagnant. Even my mum has said they have to go the hard way in order for them to realise that they don’t want to feel used. She says this with personal experience, being at an age where she is enslaved with getting money just to get by. I guess she has a lot of hopes for me, not to make the same choice. And I feel like I want to consider that.
I’m here because this is all I have. This may not bring me money, but it will be a place where I can be honest, where I can talk to people, and eventually bring my ideas into reality. I don’t know what writing will bring me, but maybe my story might resonate with people, maybe I might make friends. I don’t say this with an aim to get money, I say this with an aim to get somewhere. I’ve realised that nothing is going to save me, besides myself. Writing just seems like the only key.
I don’t know where Locke Dor is going to go, or how far she’ll go, but right now she seems like my only rope to drag me out of this. And I’m desperate to get out.