I used to be a dreamer. Strings of lights flew throughout me, but eventually all the dreams I had when I was younger, started to fade out.
Essentially, the dream of this blog, stemmed off my enjoyment of writing. My mother had repeatedly told me that if you find a way when you’re young to become your own boss, you will have an easier life than others. You won’t feel used. I took that advice and hopped here on WordPress. But eventually, I fell out. I wouldn’t say I fell out because of the lack of motivation. I mean, how can you lose motivation in talking about your life, and encounters with everyday issues? I think it was not knowing what I wanted to write about exactly. Not knowing where Locke Dor was going entirely. Not knowing whether this was a dream or a temporary hobby. What I wrote last year was a rubble of talking about simple objects to vague diary entries. But deciding to leave WordPress, like that, I created a lost dream.
My decision to try and make my blog work again, came from a really dark place. A place full of desperation. I feel like I can’t waste time, I need to treat every moment with so much diligence and effort. Post once a day at least and work everyday towards making this blog bigger, and better. If you haven’t heard much about me, I am a procrastinator, and for years I think I have been lazy in how I approach life. If you haven’t read my last post I highly recommend it, since it will tell you a lot about how I have found my way back to WordPress. But back to what I have been saying, I have neglected this blog for about 1, nearly 2 years, because I thought life gave me the pleasure of time. I mean I’m young, I can do it next week, I would say. But sooner or later those days turned into weeks, those weeks into years.
Ever since I was thirteen, I valued education. It became a dream. One that hasn’t faded out, but now am questioning it’s worth. I would study, come home, study more, after watching shows obviously. But my life revolved around it… I remember coming home after a long 40 minute drive into the country and jumping on my desk to start homework. But when I was younger I had a distorted image of learning and education. Some parts of me think that I didn’t like learning for the sake of learning, but for the rewards that came after it. Being called smart, everyone looking up to you, being an academic student… My love for learning was based off how much attention I could get from people, how much my ego would grow. To say it simply, I loved satisfying my ego. So, that has been one of my dreams. A dream that isn’t lost but a dream that isn’t worth keeping.
During the time that I had established this ‘dream’, I had enjoyed many other things like writing, performing. My dream of performing, came alive in 2015 when I performed at a dance convention at school. It was riveting when I performed. It felt like I was doing something that made my insides bubble, made me love the people I was working with. Made everything make sense. In that year, I knew more about myself than I have ever known. But I deserted that dream, when I decided not to give in the physical effort, keeping my body in shape, extending my abilities. I mean I still have the same passion, but now going on stage, I feel my insecurities flourish. Whilst keeping up my persona, I would struggle to keep my composure, struggle to show everyone that the moves I am performing is physically exhausting. Coming to finish my year whilst doing dance, I watch everyone around me being able to get good marks and ironically, the one thing I know I love, I feel I will never be able to succeed in it. Once again a dream that is slowly becoming deserted.
I don’t want to finalise anything, maybe performing is still there. Right now, I have to try and pick up the remaining pieces and attempt to pursue them, not for personal satisfaction but due to the fact that I love it.
2 years ago, I even developed the hobby of photography. Things naturally very creative. But with me, I have the tendency to fall on extremes. When I enjoyed education, I worked hard to satisfy my ego. When I loved doing what I dreamed of, somehow it grew into something also to satisfy my ego, even if it wasn’t my initial intention. So after 2016, I went through this black phase, where my life was relatively monotonous. I tried to keep my ambitions level with my morals, and try and be patient. Live each day as it goes, and try not to catch up with a dream. Not to measure how many years I can have of success. That’s where this blog initially came from. Not when I was in my monotonous phase but when I was in my ‘I can conquer the world’ phase. Now that I’m in that relatively balanced phase, I try to keep a measured mindset with how I approach my dreams.
Over the years, I’ve lost or feel in the midst of losing some of the dreams I’ve felt I’ve had from a very young age. My love for education is diminishing, as I realise that as much as I want to do well in my last year of high school, the real world wouldn’t care about it. I don’t know where my dream of performing is going to go. Whether it was just a typical teenage phase or whether it was something meaningful.
But one thing that has remained the same is my dream for writing. Even when I wasn’t writing here on WordPress, I was writing in my diary, or on my phone on the way home after school. Somehow, writing incorporated itself into my everyday life… I don’t know what to think, now that I see so many things I’ve developed passion for, start to slip out of my hands. Not because I want it to, but because it’s too hard to grab onto it. Writing seems to be the only tangible thing for me…
Most of my dreams are lost, deserted. But then sometimes I think, you need to lose yourself in order to find yourself. Create a void in order to choose which puzzle seems to fit perfectly…