Today I woke up at 9:00am. Look I have made progress as minima as it sounds, in comparison to other times I’ve woken up. Some I don’t want to tell you. I guess I want to stress that the little things do end up mattering once you look back on it.

I have been reading ‘I Was Here’ by Gayle Forman after reading her book ‘Just One Day’. It’s not too bad, but I have come to the idea that she’s a very dark writer. Not morbid type of dark, as her stories seem to engage me in a way that many other stories cannot seem to. But they also make me want to run away because of its undeniable truth… Her stories aren’t typical, an escape, it’s the truth, and that is what I’ve come to dislike yet still be enchanted. I think it’s because of her exquisite ability to keep the truth concealed, keep away the full story from the audience, and only choose to give snippets of it…

I guess I am choosing to read a lot more right now towards the end of my holidays, because one, I really do enjoy reading, and two, because the harsh reality of school is coming up, and I sadly don’t want to face it. Exams, which dictate my future. If I would have to say, reading and learning is so personal and meaningful to me. I would read all day if I had the chance, but whenever I think about school, it makes me want to retreat, makes me realise how much of a failure I’ll be in by my end of year exams. I know I won’t fail miserably, but for someone with high expectations ( I know I should get over myself) I know I won’t be crazy near to it than I would expect it to be, especially with the recent choices I’ve been making. To focus on more meaningful and spirit warming activities, like writing, reading books for fun, hanging out with my animals and my family. Cherishing the living and meaningful things of this life. To succeed in this education system requires you to attend practice exams throughout your holidays, keep on top of all your subjects homework, reread all of the learnt work texts, dedicate 3 hours to a practice English exam. – in which case I have 5 o ready Monday. I wonder how that will turn out…

The reality is, that I live in a circus of a house. It is impractical to expect me to sit down and do a practice exam so that I can achieve a better mark. I know everything is possible, but i’ve learn in these last two weeks that the education world doesn’t prepare you for the real world. What does an ‘A’ guarantee besides a possible university entrance, if it doesn’t give me money or an efficient way of living. So yes, I’ve been avoiding a lot. I just don’t see what happened to 1 hour of homework…

I finish high school in less than a month,and I realise that I’ve dedicated my life o the possibility of success. Getting good grades, trying really hard. I am not cynical, but the fragility of my life seems so clear to me right now. When I finish high school, I’m going to have a couple of months off. In that time, I’ll have no traffic of money, no sense of direction within my life. I’ll be in this limbo where everything is stagnant. Where I won’t be progressing nor staying remote either. Where my mum will kindly give me time to sort myself out, before chucking me out into the real world.

I’m going to try and finish my last year of high school off with a bang, because I know that I love and have always loved education. I’ve just started to understand the difference between dreams and reality. Of how there needs to be a balance.

Sometimes I think, what if, in all the holidays that has accumulated over my lifetime, I could of worked or let alone started something with my life. It was like I thought that I was going to be young forever, that I would have the luxury of time. I wish I didn’t think that school was going to last forever. I feel like so much unnecessary time was wasted. I could have used that time to make these days coming forwards, much easier and promising for me and my future. But I guess that’s the lesson I’ve got to learn.

I don’t ever want to be a negative encourager, now that my words reach out to real people instead of sitting inside of a diary for years, unread by everyone except me. Education is wonderful, a way to stimulate your mind. I’ve just learnt that it doesn’t fully give you a ticket to safety. You still have to pay bills, learn how to drive, have a stable income whether you’ve gone to school or not, I just thought foolishly that maybe education would give me a safety vest in comparison to a lot of other people in this world fighting the treacherous waves of life.

Yes, I’ve got school on Monday, but instead of worrying, I’m going to try and focus on the things that would really matter in my life. Like trying to heal and pay attention to your health, try to become an overall moral person.

Everyday ends with a tangent of regrets that follow me around. ‘What if I could have tried harder?’. ‘Could I have used my time more productively?’ The truth is, maybe I could, maybe all of these regrets that follow me hold some truth to it after all. But in these two weeks of holidays, I’ve learnt so much. That sometimes your perception of reality is only a microcosm of the truth.

I think, as funny as it sound, I learnt, that I have to grow up…

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