I’m back again – here at my refuge, my blog.

Hello everyone. A lot has happened since I have last written to you, and I can’t entirely say if it is good or bad, or something in between. But it happened, and I don’t know if I am the sayer of all things, but here I am, talking to you, as it is nearing the end of the night.

I have a job. Okay, so I never thought that I could have ever achieved this, but I am so grateful it. I won’t delve into the semantics of why I am so excited about it, but think one word. Freedom. Oh, just to make it sound fancier. Emancipation. Emancipation from hopelessness, and from the idea that I cannot do anything to help a situation I desperately want to help. For the burden to be lifted off of my shoulders, I am thankful to god, as he recognised my pain and decided to alleviate it.

It’s hard, fast pace and completely different to things that I have ever done, but that is all I am going to say. I’m not going to complain, nor am I going to boast on how I love it extremely. I’ll just stay on this safe line of appreciating but not making crazy assumptions on how this has opened up so many doors and opportunities in my life. Although it has…

I’m just moving, and moving in a motion I have yet to completely understand.

Second of all, I have realised how adulthood is pressuring. No longer can I read a book without feeling like its a luxury. No longer can I get up and feel like taking a 5 minute social media break, might be in fact toxic, and can lead to hours of procrastination. All of a sudden, I’ve been given this awareness, that I have to be proactive as much as I can, in order to move, become something in this lonesome world. If I don’t, I’ll never achieve my wild dreams… And I’m too selfish to let those run…

I don’t know whether I’ll ever achieve them. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this chapter in my life. Happiness or excitement? Sadness or relief? I miss school, my teachers and being able to read for the sake of an assignment. So this chapter is daunting. Because now I have been given the luxury of time,

no longer will anyone save me. And that is the scariest feeling in the whole world…

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Helplessness – the worst emotion to feel…

I’ve been helpless often throughout my life. I know to some degree you have also, which is why we meet on this post…

I’ve just finished high school, and I have felt a big sense of accomplishment. But right now, I see people around me, and I feel helpless. People are moving, growing, whilst I feel stagnant here. I know that patience is always the best policy, and that working on this blog, establishing Locke Dor and other ideas is a great mindset to be in. Not much people think like that. But sometimes, I compare my happiness or success to my counterparts. They are driving, going to hotels in celebration of their graduation, going out on dates (as friends) and living a wondrous lifestyle. But, I’m here in my room, working on this secret life known as this blog, which I feel, brings me tremendous happiness, yet at the same time, makes me feel inadequate because everyone seems to be on top of themselves. Whereas I am here on a blog, writing about my life…

Helplessness is the worst thing to feel. It’s in between having a choice and not having a choice – feeling like you have no choice.

Obviously I snap out of this helplessness I feel, because somewhere, I know I am exploring myself, which a lot of young people cannot do. They’d rather go out with friends, grow up way beyond their age and seek their independence. I’m okay here… I may seem like the most helplessness person, which I probably am.

But there’s a reverence in all of this, which I cannot seem to explain. Maybe I won’t have my own car or the latest phone anytime soon, but I have enough faith in God and this path, that everything will figure itself out – that i’ll be rewarded and that it will be given to me rather than me chasing it.

And somehow that is everything…

You’ve managed to do it again – neglecting a blog…

You’ve probably got everything at the door, ready to attack me, haven’t you? Well I have been gone, yes I have. That is because today after 2 relatively intense weeks, I have finished my exams. There is a bit more to the story I want to tell, but no, I don’t want to get into the semantics of the whole thing.

Originally I had not wanted to complete my exams, however, after talking myself in and out of it, I had finally completed my high school journey completely.

I’m here in my common room, waiting for my mother to come and pick me up, and I feel happy. Obviously I have a mix between feeling nostalgic and upset, that the home I became accustomed to, is now pushing me out the door. But there is a sense of accomplishment within me that feels that I tried hard, in times of pressure and stress, and I worked the whole year for everything that will now amount to something rather than nothing. I have finished high school everyone…

There aren’t really any words I can say to you. It just happened. I’m just left here with a slight feel of sadness, but also with a sense of reverence…

Whatever happens from here on, I hope that I’ll be okay. That I’ll find someway to get through it all.

That’s all for now,

-Locke Dor

I’m back with a bit of news in a short amount of days.

Hey everyone,

I haven’t been here for about four days and that has been because I have been finishing up at school. Making sure to complete all my tests and attending valedictory, farewell assembly, all of those stuff. It’s been a very busy week, which I know has led me to not prioritise this blog. But, I apologise. I’m back, and am ready to tell you about the power of conscience. One thing I like to keep in my blogs is the ability for my content to be relatable. I don’t want to ramble on about my everyday life. It seems a bit obnoxious for me.

In later posts, I had said I wanted to not do my exams, that it compromises everything, such as my health, and time. I came clear with this argument, developing a really powerful argument to not only the people around me like my parents and teachers, but also myself. I feel like that’s were people tend to muck up a lot when it comes to decision making. We become dishonest with ourselves. We fool ourselves to think one way of living to the point we actually believe it. That’s what I did. But going back to school, there was an itch urging in me, saying, ‘why don’t you just give your exams a try?’ I’d like to think that was just a coincidental suggestion, but it was a feeling in my gut. A feeling that made me feel bad, as if I was cheating my way out of life. Yes, maybe i’ll never be going to university in the time that my exams will be worth it, but what happened to trying. Even if I flop, i’d still be living right.

Here, was when, I knew that I was taking the easy way out of life. I didn’t want to face my biggest fear which was failure. Failure that I would never fit my expectations that I set myself up to, or that I’ll be the dumbest looking person in others eyes. I probably would. But, that’s not the point. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of. Why should other peoples perception of me affect the way I really am. That seems to be another one of my problems now that I think about it. How I care way too much about the way see me. Just because people may have the image that they are defeated, doesn’t mean that they are. Doesn’t mean that they don’t know themselves or that they don’t have a sense of character. It means that they have fallen, and can choose to stand back up or stay where they are.

I need to stop being afraid of failure, and what people think of me. No, I am not going to do computer science or engineering, or become a cool doctor. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know myself or my capability. I am just deciding to invest it somewhere. Somewhere I know a lot of people don’t follow. Somewhere, where at first people will tell me that I have set myself up for failure.

But, I haven’t.

 

– Locke Dor

A perfect day for writing – understanding heartbreak

The weather today was honestly wonderful. It wasn’t humid, as usual, but had a crisp air that came along with it. It was enchanting honestly. It kind of made me think about life and how each life is so different and unique. The life I have lived is so different to the lives other’s have lived. But one thing I have learnt, is that we have all been heartbroken before in our lives. Sometimes by people we expected, sometimes by people we would never dare to expect. I just find is amazing, how everyone is bound to get their own share of it all. It’s like no one can hide away from it. No matter how hard they try.

I know I’ve gotten my share of it all. As much as I’d hate to admit, it has become a part of who I am. I think that once it hits you, it never really disappears. It becomes the memory you look back on when you face problems in your life. It becomes this stitch that heals, but always remains. Like a scar.

I guess the point of today’s post, is that I feel like heartbreak is something that will end up becoming a part of someones life sooner or later. It demands to be felt. I guess that’s what makes us human. Our ability to be broken completely, yet pick up our pieces and give to the world, what we wish was given to us. It’s quite enchanting if you think about it. How capable of good we can achieve no matter how much bad things we’ve experienced…

 

Unrequited love told by yours truly.

I don’t really like to dwell on who I am crushing on or the fine details of it. I feel like to keep the intricate details private. Let it shine in all of its anonymity. So here’s a story, one of many in fact, that I felt I wanted to share.

Every moment before him, was like I was a zombie. I was oblivious to how much God would open your eyes when you would see his divinity shine so much within a being. But I would breathe, go forth with everyday life, and aim to read and find love through fictional characters. Our story wasn’t something like love at first sight, or anything extravagant. It was more like walking and tripping, realising only last minute that you’re falling, and it’s too late to save your heart from the fall. That’s the truth. My heart had fallen against rocks, against oceans, against the deepest of pits. I never knew it. I was so oblivious, so indifferent to it, that the moment I realised it, it was like a string of lights pulling me towards something I didn’t know existed, until it stopped at him. As I started to make sense of it all, I realised a beauty that was living right in front of me. From that moment I had stolen glances, images of him talking, smiling, and hanging out with others. I hid them in words I’ll probably never show anyone, and in letters addressed to him, even though he’ll probably never receive them. From that, he became everything my life was about, not because I was obsessed with him, but because some part of me somehow knew that all of this was temporary. As if I needed to capture this moment, because it might never come back at all.

Honestly, he’s the only man, I’ve ever loved, and probably will ever love. After that moment, every other boy has been monotonous, not as riveting and soul wrenching as this one. The boy I lost my heart to, barely knows me. Everyday day after school I would catch the bus, and live in the heart of the moment, talking with him, appreciating that this would be the only thing we’d sum up to. Bus rides home, and small talk down the street. Some part of me wanted something more out of it. Some part of me wanted to desperately try and keep those moments alive, but I was pressured by an impeding reality that it had to end…It demanded to end.

Accepting the fact that I was only meant to watch love, instead of being a part of it was hard to come to terms with at first. But, slowly I slipped into the passenger seat, watch one of the best things slip right past. I can tell you, there were nights, I was frustrated, I wanted everything to be clear. Should I take the leap and say how much he has changed my world, or should I just wait because I knew innately that this was going to end. Now I watch, look at him at awe, taking as much as I can with me on my walks home.

He was a breeze that made you remember an old memory, one that would make you laugh… I knew we were going to end even though we never really started. I guess I just wanted more. I didn’t want this to be something I’d just let slip and regret it for the rest of my life.

He was a daydream I wished would never end.

You are in love…

Today has been rather simplistic. But there was a thing I found crazy remarkable today. And that was love and emotions. Specifically how we choose to portray these emotions. I feel as if love, as cringe as it sounds, will always be universally appealing to everyone. It is something that demands to be felt.

Today I felt that. I felt love touch me. It wasn’t extravagant, but looking at his eyes was something else. The truth was, I had never met him before. I’m not usually one to believe in love at first sight. No, I’m not saying that for maybe this one time will make me believe in it. I’ll never fully believe i it. I know I don’t love him. I just felt that for once, he saw me as me, and I saw him as him. I guess that’s what was remarkable about it. We have never seen each other before and in all honesty, probably never se each other again. But there was this rawness, at least coming from me. When I encountered that moment, I was completely oblivious to what was happening to me. There was no time to be awkward and break eye contact. There was no time to ever complicate love or whatever it was. It was just two people under an outside light, sharing a brief encounter. Love or whatever it was, it was simply a nice encounter. Nothing more or less. All the words my mouth seem to mutter is that it was fascinating to meet him. Unexpected as it was, it was a nice experience. I know I’ll never see him again. But I am okay with that.

Something simple and basic for today.

Hello everyone! How are we all?

Today I want to talk about a couple of things that have been on my mind!

First of all my decisions for school. Over the last 2 weeks I was faced with this thought of not doing my end of year exams. I came to that thought because I am not going to attend university due the amount of debt I will get myself into, since I am not a citizen.

In that time, I completely avoided all of the practice exams I needed to attend. I avoided all of the books I had to re-read and analyse. I avoided intense studying for the pure reason of not wanting to do it. I am not giving up and letting my grades go down the drain. I just realised that in that moment, I needed more out of life than needing to be validated by my scores. I was expected to do practice exams all day everyday. What about practicality? What about life that needs to be lived? So from that came the conclusion that I didn’t want to do my end of year exams. I will still graduate with a certificate of education, I just wouldn’t take the extra step i’d need to enter university. In that thought, I felt free from the cages I was holding myself up to. No, I won’t be the student I’d always thought I’d be. No I didn’t get a good score. But maybe all of my little dreams I had were made to satisfy my ego. What’s wrong with finishing high school and working hard? Who cares if everyone is looking at you like a crazy person for deciding to not do exams? I could do exams. I could change my decision right here right now. But I am not going to cause myself unnecessary stress. I’ve felt this feeling of peace for once, and I don’t want to jeopardise that.

The second thing I want to talk about is planning for the future. Since two days ago, this blog has been the embodiment of success in my eyes. If I can do what I love doing, and find a way to make it into a living, I’d be able to work with people who think like me etc. Now that Locke Dor has an official site, there is clarity in what I should do next, aim for in the next year. I’m not the person who creates intense trajectories of their lives. But, when thinking about school and the stress I have put myself under this last year (unnecessary stress by the way) I have seen a light at the end of the tunnel. I like that thought. After creating this website, I have been able to work more into giving love and effort to the name Locke Dor and start working on projects, which I would be able to announce to people. Speaking of announcements, I have a bit of ideas, I can’t wait to turn into reality. Keep posted, and I’ll let you know.

What I am trying to stress is that, don’t ever think that the world is going to end. Sometimes, you’ll feel like there is no chance of you ever borderline surviving when the reality of this world is pushing itself on you. Or you’ll be at a place where you are certain there’s no way this is ever going to diminish. But if you are creative enough, you create your own opportunities. You create your own life… Don’t compromise to follow the herd. Make your own

I think that’s all for today folks.

UPDATE – What’s going on with Locke Dor now?

Hello guys! I have some great news to relate to you! I have officially created my website! This has been a big wish for me, and it has finally happened.

Earlier when I really didn’t know what Locke Dor was going to be, I had dreamed that maybe one day I’d have my own site, where I get to explore the tragedy of youth. The rebellion in being young. I have always been intrigued with adolescence in all of its entirety. Locke Dor became the epitome of that.

So, I wrote poetry and little thoughts all over the net, under the name Locke Dor. Writing from a lost child who depended on writing to understand the world and herself better. I still do. Write in hopes I can understand the world better. Thankfully, writing has kept these experiences safe under the name Locke Dor. I just hope it captures the entirety of your youth, as it kind of captures mine.

There isn’t going to be drastic changes, now that I have established Locke Dor a bit more professionally. I am not going to stop posting on WordPress. I will continue to blog, here on WordPress for the sake of engaging with a wonderful community. You’ll just be able to see designs I am working on, photography, and a more professional side to me.

I still will be the lonesome dreamer I am when I am writing. This site is just about taking it to the next level, and approaching my interests on a more professional level. Taking in enquiries, and aiming to establish the name Locke Dor professionally.

Up to now, all the people who have taken time out of their day to read my content, I thank you. So many people have inspired me here on WordPress, with their support in liking my posts, and sharing wonderful stories, I can’t help but thank God for.

I am intrigued by such wonderful people. Thank you for being such a great and encouraging community.

Thanks,

– Locke Dor

Desperate times call for desperate measures right?

I have been on holidays from school and ever since then I felt as if I had an epiphany. About life, about love, and about how I can capture the world, instead of waiting to be captured by the world.

It’s kind of crazy, now that I think about it. I was going to school happily for the majority of 2017, then all of a sudden, a reality I never knew, hit me. I was scared of this reality when I first encountered it, but eventually I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I elaborated more in my last posts, but I realised mainly over the last two weeks, that I am finishing school and stepping into the big world now. It’s not this microcosm where everyone worries about whether they had finished their homework or not. It’s something so much more bigger than all of us and our small thoughts. Bills, reality, life.

Looking back at it now, I can’t believe that my schoolmates and I worried about whether we finished an essay or not. When we stressed unnecessarily. Fun times. Slowly ending my high school life, I started to realise this even more. With that came a form of desperation to get my life sorted… Find a way to stay on top of life instead of drowning in it. From that, I planned where I wanted to be in the next few years, how I want my life to turn out and what I want to achieve. I haven’t created a crazy trajectory yet, but I realised that I need to be mature now. School was a fairytale, that I enjoyed a lot. But it had to end. I just wasn’t aware of it.

This blog was what I fell on when I started to think.. I started to draft about it and put effort into it for once since last year. This blog was reignited not because I realised that the thing I thought was going to last forever, wasn’t going to last forever. It was because I realised that I can go out into the real world, get a job and get easy money. Get a car, go rent a house and let people dictate my life. Start living an ordinary life. Or I can do things the way I want to. A lot of people in school still believe that they can succeed if they go to university for four years. That their lives will be promising. I could work years towards that if I wanted to. But some dying urge in me is fighting. Wondering why I can’t make my life happen right now. Why I can’t start a business, or do something so I don’t have to devolve into this cycle of waiting forever so that life will happen

I don’t like to blame anyone or anything for the way our educational systems are constructed. The way they favour people who choose to study, over trade jobs etc. There are good and bad things to everything to this world. I just know that a lot of people including me thought that getting a degree was a way to a promising life in the future. Jobs could be offered and we’d just jump straight into work. To an extent that is true, but what I’ve also realised is that there are so many other ways to take on life.

A friend who I know and will most likely keep very close to me is a major inspiration to me. During school, I saw him work on his business, building himself up and working very hard. He already concluded he wasn’t the educational type of student, but if you would just look at him, he decided to take life within his hands. His life wasn’t dependent on a possibility, or a degree, one day he decided to start a business and probably by this time next year, he will be guaranteed work. All because he chose to control his life. Yes, there was compromise. I guarantee that he is intelligent, he was just smart in his intelligence.

I feel that is why I have come to this blog. Not because I’m desperate, but because I don’t want to spend the next few years of my life working jobs that I won’t like. I want to breathe doing what I love. Like my friend, I want to take control of my life, today and forever.

I don’t know where this blog will take me. But some part of me doesn’t care. All I know is that if you love something enough, it’s bound to love you back.

Thank you for reading,

– Locke Dor