Bye old me, I’ll miss you a lot.

I was browsing the web today, and once again I fell into a hole where I envied everyone who seemed to know themselves. I don’t have great fashion taste, as a matter of a fact, I don’t think I have fashion taste at all. I’m one of those self conscious roamers who don’t entirely know their place in this world if I could say honestly. It did inspire me to reach into myself and see how fashion could best reflect me though.

After envying everyone, I watched some quotes compilations on Youtube, in order to help reach into the feelings I was going through. I never expected it, but I read this quote which says, “Want to know what people are afraid to lose, look into what they photograph”. This quote caused a flashback when I was in my final year of high school last year, and I explored the theme of adolescence for my art folio. I’ve always been so astounded by the motions of youth, the reckless ease, the obliviousness yet the urge to explore. It’s incongruent. I’ve captured youth, written about youth whilst I had still been able to feel it. I guess I realised that I wanted to capture it so much before I’d ever have to face losing it. Some part of me was aware that it only lasted temporarily, so I documented everything associated with it.

Over the past two days, I’ve been missing school, missing the reckless days where I thought life was hard and never understood me. Life isn’t hard now, but it’s harder. High school gave me the perfect excuse to be hopelessly in love, to pour my heart out into books, and fantasise about fictional characters, delve into essays and books, create life out of every moment. High school was the excuse to be young and free, happy and sad, a dichotomy of feeling, whether it is confinement and emancipation. I look at the boy I once loved, how he is and I realise I’d never be able to like someone like that ever again. It was only precious and enchanting because it was innocent. Life for me in high school was completely innocent, protecting me from the reality. I could capture him in all of his entirety, talk to the moon late at night and sing songs about him, but now there is a veil that blocks the person who I used to be, versus the person I am now becoming.

You see, whilst I was behind the veil, I desperately wanted to be free of it, yet now I am free of it, I wish I cherished the time I experienced in it a bit more.

There is this thing called responsibility now that covets the innocence that had once existed. I’m still getting used to it, and I will eventually get used to it.

It was just nice honestly. To once be able to feel. And feel completely.


Yours truly, the girl you’d never suspect.

Dear Reader, these are all the words I had wished to say to the man who made me feel love.

In your eyes, when I fell in love, when I fell so hard I swear I knew, that we loved centuries ago. That somehow, although I hadn’t completely understood, I had loved you before. I saw it in his eyes within short moments, heard it in your voice, the certainty of a being greater than myself, whisper, it’s you, it’s you

The world changed for me that day. The trees seem more vibrant, my pace seemed more sonic and cohesive. My eyes looked at the world brighter, better than it ever was.

I knew you. Or I knew the feeling I was meant to feel when I was with you. It was so familiar, as if life had been a disoriented puzzle, until you had come to make sense of it all. I knew that feeling, I had felt that feeling before, so many times.

That night, I looked at the stars, noticed the power of god in all of his presence and wrote you to life. You governed the night, my love. I wrote about you and swear that I had known you. I was so proud of you, so genuinely proud of you. All your accomplishments were your own. I saw you glimmer in a world a part from us. A part from our entire existence.

After that moment, I was perfectly capable to let you go into the world, because if you were mine, you’d come back to me. In this vast world, I was fearless enough to let you go.

You ignited something within me, brought me to life in ways I’d never understand. I was revived.

Now a part of my heart holds your name. No other competitor has swayed the level of fascination you have caused me to feel. It remains diligent, the feeling I have had when I was with you for that short moment.

Yes, every moment after that, was me slowly falling in love with you from the sidelines. But that initial moment I had talked to you, wasn’t me saying that I was falling in love you. It was beyond that. A part of me had already loved you before being aware of the moment, your existence.

You will float, become a character that will forever fade into every man I see. Your name will forever become a memory I was glad to experience.

You were truly remarkable. The love I had, the experience I felt, the whirlwind of emotions that came over me. All of them were because of you. No matter how much pain this love had caused, I’d do it again.

I’d gladly love you again, now and forevermore.

Yours truly, the girl you’d never suspect…


Long hours and blasting thoughts.

Hello everyone. Today wasn’t really extraordinary at all. I ran some errands today with my family, then came home and relaxed. After that, I prepared to go to work. In the time spent throughout the day and during work, I had a fair amount of thoughts. I thought about an old friend from school who I have been keeping in touch with, and about love and all its complications. My thoughts are however really jumbled up right now, and I can’t seem to reach the heart of really want to say.

I’m fairly happy I guess…I have been writing a lot more, and have been pushing myself to at least write on this blog everyday. I have been doing writing exercises too which has been very good. I have thought a lot about my future and where it lies specifically. Whenever I think about that, I however get very anxious because I have dreams and sometimes I feel as if they aren’t authentic or they are false. Right now they feel real, but what if a human knows how to trick itself? I go through this complex daily, continuing to question whether my decisions are mature or immature decisions.

I put those thoughts off though, trying not to let the weight of it all impose on my everyday life too much. I have made up in my mind what I want to study, but some part of me doesn’t feel that drive in it. I haven’t fully developed the love for it. I say to myself however that future me will understand and that this is a bargain that I don’t understand now, but will eventually come to thank myself later. Some part of me questions though, what if I won’t like it, what if future me will resent me and hate that I didn’t pursuit my dreams? But then I search deep within myself and look at my career choice and say, there’s not much to lose. It’s a humanitarian based career pathway that will liberate the soul, it should make life more meaningful. I’m doing it again. These are just the constant thoughts that combat each other in my mind, and to be  honest, it never stops.

I want to leave all that, now that it has started. Ugh. Otherwise, yeah my day has been really good. I’m glad that after I finished work, I dedicated time to this. It’s a step closer to being a better me.

I hope you had a good day reader, that your struggles were bearable and that you see the greatness in every new day going forth.

Thanks for listening to my pointless thoughts.



Have you vanished off the face of the earth yet?

Ever since finishing school, I have vanished off the face off the earth. No longer am I talking to the people that I used to talk to, or am chatting with people regarding homework. It’s funny. The people you thought would be there, travel alongside you in the treachery of the adult world, aren’t with you anymore.

I specifically had a friend where we walked home together, talked about our dreams, and would always get excited at the possibility of achieving greatness in our lives after finishing school. To be honest, I thought he would be there, but now it seems like you have to fight to keep in touch with the people you thought would always be there in the first place.

Maybe it was me. Maybe I didn’t push hard enough, ask to see him on the weekends or to go out every now and then to retain our friendship. But maybe, I shouldn’t have had to try so hard, have had to chase after a friendship that could have most likely worked, just so that it could work. I don’t blame him now that I come to think about it. People are young, reckless. We are all puzzle pieces in attempt to fit, so I accept that what was, once was. I hope he does well in his future. Finds new friends, grows into the person he is meant to become, and achieve all of those dreams we spent so long talking about, whilst walking together every afternoon on the way home.

So many friends have left me, all of which I don’t mind. I have vanished off the face of the earth. Sometimes I like it because I can feel okay in my skin. I can look at my life and not compare it so recklessly to others.

Sometimes though, I look at the people I have grown up around splurge into this big vast world, so daring, so head on, so happy. Yet, I feel left behind, as if my life is a bit too monotonous in comparison to everyones great achievements. Everyone is going off into university, getting into their dream courses, somehow having the world at her feet. I haven’t achieved much. My life isn’t as daring as others.

I watched a video about John Green and he pointed out that just because someone chooses to live a quiet life  doesn’t make it any less meaningful than someone who flourishes on their Instagram profile. A daring life isn’t being remarkably adventurous, it’s within the act of being daring.

This piece of advice somehow seemed to comfort me. It gave me a sense of peace that my life wasn’t daring or any less meaningful, just because it is moving at a different pace at others. I felt that as I mopped floors at work or looking up at the purple lightning in the sky, my life was just as daring, just as meaningful.

That was the greatest feeling in the world.




Today wasn’t so much of a bad day, right?

Although I have only lived throughout half of today, I don’t feel as bad like the usual. I don’t always have bad days, but when I do, it comes down really hard. I know I really don’t have the right to say I have had a bad day, I actually feel really entitled saying those words. But I guess sometimes I experience an influx of emotions, and when one part of myself disappoints me, then I slump into beating myself up. For once, I felt a sense of accomplishment today. I didn’t do anything remarkable. But I guess it was the little nuggets of self love I gave myself today. For once I didn’t beat myself up for the way that I am, but was really happy with myself. I was bettering myself. For once, I didn’t compare myself to others, but felt like there was greatness in my life, something to be genuinely proud of. I thank God for the sense of gratitude I feel, the courage and hope that I can achieve anything I want or desire today. I just feel that moving at my own pace is okay, I don’t need to do anything extraordinary to feel adequate. I feel adequate right now, in my own skin, in my own person. I give thanks for the alleviation God has given me in terms of the hopelessness I feel. It’s a gift to ever feel this way, and I am thankful.




I swear I saw him in the stars tonight…

Love is a complex thing isn’t it. You’re not bound to it, your challenged by it. A few days ago, I thought about love and how I felt bound to it, how I naturally have the disposition to be bound to love. In that initial thought, came all of the ones my little heart has loved before. For 2 years my heart was preoccupied, holding onto a slight probability that one boy would notice me sooner or later back when I was 13. I eventually learned through years that I invested time on a possibility, put myself under so much heartbreak because I swore I was bound to love.

I guess in the moment, you feel that love is this spiritual entity that governs this perfect narrative, when in reality it isn’t the case. Love has to be mutual. For 2 years unrequited love touched me because I never loved myself to realise I deserved someone who had noticed me in the first place. Unrequited love isn’t pretty, it’s emotional masochism.

I have for numerous years been on the outsiders perspective when it came to love. I always cried myself to sleep, talked to the moon, hoping there was someone talking back on the other side. I always thought that I wasn’t pretty, or was the oddball. I probably was. Still am. These heartbreaks never really healed, because I didn’t understand the semantics of it entirely. I never understood that I needed to see myself as worthy of love. Owning it. In my previous years, I’d bow down to it, believing that it chose me, and that all these times I’d cry, I must not be ready for love.

Late last year, I felt love and to say honestly, it was the most remarkable thing that ever has touched me. It was more than me. Anyway, just like usual I saw him fall out and into love again. I really don’t want you to get the wrong idea about him. The feelings that came along with him were more than what both him and I could comprehend. Anyway, I finished school, accepted the fact I’d never see him again, and attempted to move on with my life. At first I did (move on I mean), but every time I would see him occasionally, everything would reignite. Then I would look at the stars and ask God, what I did I do to ever deserve this? Until a couple of days ago, I never realised what I was continuing to do to myself. I wrote in my diary complaining that I just cannot quit him. I didn’t feel jealous of whoever he was going to love, for I would love them because he loved them. But I just wouldn’t be able to quit him. Now I realise that love hasn’t bound me to this one person. Fates change, people change, destinies change. I cannot do what I did when I was younger, give my heart wholly for someone for 2 years. Where do I save room for myself? I have nearly beaten myself up, never chose to love myself enough because I thought I was never capable of love…

Up until a couple of days ago, I was going to continue to do just that. But then I realised – to what extent will I love him before I stop loving myself. Unrequited love isn’t romantic or something that fills your youth. It’s emotionally masochistic. I loved him, I’d gladly love him again, but I can love myself, I can rid myself of the heartbreak of seeing him fall in and out of love again. I don’t need to see that.

So I’m here drawing the line, saying that I’d gladly love him again, but I’m not going to hurt myself in the process. Enough of that.

See you later.


What am I if everyone else is something great?

I have always compared myself to others. Furthermore, I have always beaten myself up for the way I am. I know, it seems rather ungrateful when I can’t see the beauty in my own life. The privilege I have in comparison to others who might be actually suffering. Which is why I try and snap out of it as soon as possible.

To put it as clearly as I can, I look at other people’s lives and wonder why they have everything figured out, why they can count their dreams like 1, 2, 3, yet I have no idea. My life isn’t harder or easier, but it feels to me like it’s hazed. I have heard of all of my counterparts from school achieve scholarships, their dream courses, start their first year of university and their new chapter. My new chapter in comparison to theirs is much more monotonous. Yes, there are pros and there are cons to my situations, just as there are to theirs. Some part of me just feels like it is missing out on this universal blueprint to be happy, that everyone seems to follow. I guess university and the conventional way of living, is more of a guarantee, whereas any other way of living, is looked down upon, uncertain. At least that is what I have always thought.

I don’t know, world. I don’t know anything. I don’t urge to know, but why does everyone else know? I have a part time job, have the tiniest amount of responsibilities my mum will give me (thank you), but I don’t know.


Locke Dor


Maybe ‘hey again’ is all you’ll ever hear from me.

I know, I have abandoned you once again. I guess life just moved in crazy motions these last few months. Think of my last post but just a little bit more intensified.

Since finishing high school, I have realised that there is this small frame between finishing a chapter and starting a new one, where you feel completely out of place. At least that is what I think. Ever since finishing school, I have vanished off the face of the planet (social media wise) – not contacting any past friends, not catching up or even posting of my life after school. I have completely vanished. At first, I loved it, the freedom to act the way I want, reinvent myself and not be bound by my past. I still love it in a sense. But going back on social media brings about a whole heap of depressive motions along with it. I look at everyone around me, and they seem inextricably happy, free, young and reckless, whereas I’m living the opposite.

I know about the idea that social media only reveals false happiness. But why do I look at it and think that their lives are so adventurous, whereas mine is monotonous, almost stagnant. It seems like they have everything sorted. They are going off to university, they have their clothing style sorted etc. whereas I am still managing to try and be productive throughout a day.

I guess that’s why I come here every now and again. Because with all the chaos that seems to surround me, I write, in order to cope. I have written consistently nearly everyday, I just haven’t been writing here. At the end of the day, this makes everything better, as if someone out there in this vast world, understands where I come from.

I am grateful for my life and everything that I have in it. Everything will make sense, this  blurred path will eventually clear up.

I’ll see you soon everyone, hopefully.


I’m back again – here at my refuge, my blog.

Hello everyone. A lot has happened since I have last written to you, and I can’t entirely say if it is good or bad, or something in between. But it happened, and I don’t know if I am the sayer of all things, but here I am, talking to you, as it is nearing the end of the night.

I have a job. Okay, so I never thought that I could have ever achieved this, but I am so grateful it. I won’t delve into the semantics of why I am so excited about it, but think one word. Freedom. Oh, just to make it sound fancier. Emancipation. Emancipation from hopelessness, and from the idea that I cannot do anything to help a situation I desperately want to help. For the burden to be lifted off of my shoulders, I am thankful to god, as he recognised my pain and decided to alleviate it.

It’s hard, fast pace and completely different to things that I have ever done, but that is all I am going to say. I’m not going to complain, nor am I going to boast on how I love it extremely. I’ll just stay on this safe line of appreciating but not making crazy assumptions on how this has opened up so many doors and opportunities in my life. Although it has…

I’m just moving, and moving in a motion I have yet to completely understand.

Second of all, I have realised how adulthood is pressuring. No longer can I read a book without feeling like its a luxury. No longer can I get up and feel like taking a 5 minute social media break, might be in fact toxic, and can lead to hours of procrastination. All of a sudden, I’ve been given this awareness, that I have to be proactive as much as I can, in order to move, become something in this lonesome world. If I don’t, I’ll never achieve my wild dreams… And I’m too selfish to let those run…

I don’t know whether I’ll ever achieve them. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this chapter in my life. Happiness or excitement? Sadness or relief? I miss school, my teachers and being able to read for the sake of an assignment. So this chapter is daunting. Because now I have been given the luxury of time,

no longer will anyone save me. And that is the scariest feeling in the whole world…


Helplessness – the worst emotion to feel…

I’ve been helpless often throughout my life. I know to some degree you have also, which is why we meet on this post…

I’ve just finished high school, and I have felt a big sense of accomplishment. But right now, I see people around me, and I feel helpless. People are moving, growing, whilst I feel stagnant here. I know that patience is always the best policy, and that working on this blog, establishing Locke Dor and other ideas is a great mindset to be in. Not much people think like that. But sometimes, I compare my happiness or success to my counterparts. They are driving, going to hotels in celebration of their graduation, going out on dates (as friends) and living a wondrous lifestyle. But, I’m here in my room, working on this secret life known as this blog, which I feel, brings me tremendous happiness, yet at the same time, makes me feel inadequate because everyone seems to be on top of themselves. Whereas I am here on a blog, writing about my life…

Helplessness is the worst thing to feel. It’s in between having a choice and not having a choice – feeling like you have no choice.

Obviously I snap out of this helplessness I feel, because somewhere, I know I am exploring myself, which a lot of young people cannot do. They’d rather go out with friends, grow up way beyond their age and seek their independence. I’m okay here… I may seem like the most helplessness person, which I probably am.

But there’s a reverence in all of this, which I cannot seem to explain. Maybe I won’t have my own car or the latest phone anytime soon, but I have enough faith in God and this path, that everything will figure itself out – that i’ll be rewarded and that it will be given to me rather than me chasing it.

And somehow that is everything…