Bye old me, I’ll miss you a lot.

I was browsing the web today, and once again I fell into a hole where I envied everyone who seemed to know themselves. I don’t have great fashion taste, as a matter of a fact, I don’t think I have fashion taste at all. I’m one of those self conscious roamers who don’t entirely know their place in this world if I could say honestly. It did inspire me to reach into myself and see how fashion could best reflect me though.

After envying everyone, I watched some quotes compilations on Youtube, in order to help reach into the feelings I was going through. I never expected it, but I read this quote which says, “Want to know what people are afraid to lose, look into what they photograph”. This quote caused a flashback when I was in my final year of high school last year, and I explored the theme of adolescence for my art folio. I’ve always been so astounded by the motions of youth, the reckless ease, the obliviousness yet the urge to explore. It’s incongruent. I’ve captured youth, written about youth whilst I had still been able to feel it. I guess I realised that I wanted to capture it so much before I’d ever have to face losing it. Some part of me was aware that it only lasted temporarily, so I documented everything associated with it.

Over the past two days, I’ve been missing school, missing the reckless days where I thought life was hard and never understood me. Life isn’t hard now, but it’s harder. High school gave me the perfect excuse to be hopelessly in love, to pour my heart out into books, and fantasise about fictional characters, delve into essays and books, create life out of every moment. High school was the excuse to be young and free, happy and sad, a dichotomy of feeling, whether it is confinement and emancipation. I look at the boy I once loved, how he is and I realise I’d never be able to like someone like that ever again. It was only precious and enchanting because it was innocent. Life for me in high school was completely innocent, protecting me from the reality. I could capture him in all of his entirety, talk to the moon late at night and sing songs about him, but now there is a veil that blocks the person who I used to be, versus the person I am now becoming.

You see, whilst I was behind the veil, I desperately wanted to be free of it, yet now I am free of it, I wish I cherished the time I experienced in it a bit more.

There is this thing called responsibility now that covets the innocence that had once existed. I’m still getting used to it, and I will eventually get used to it.

It was just nice honestly. To once be able to feel. And feel completely.


Unrequited love told by yours truly.

I don’t really like to dwell on who I am crushing on or the fine details of it. I feel like to keep the intricate details private. Let it shine in all of its anonymity. So here’s a story, one of many in fact, that I felt I wanted to share.

Every moment before him, was like I was a zombie. I was oblivious to how much God would open your eyes when you would see his divinity shine so much within a being. But I would breathe, go forth with everyday life, and aim to read and find love through fictional characters. Our story wasn’t something like love at first sight, or anything extravagant. It was more like walking and tripping, realising only last minute that you’re falling, and it’s too late to save your heart from the fall. That’s the truth. My heart had fallen against rocks, against oceans, against the deepest of pits. I never knew it. I was so oblivious, so indifferent to it, that the moment I realised it, it was like a string of lights pulling me towards something I didn’t know existed, until it stopped at him. As I started to make sense of it all, I realised a beauty that was living right in front of me. From that moment I had stolen glances, images of him talking, smiling, and hanging out with others. I hid them in words I’ll probably never show anyone, and in letters addressed to him, even though he’ll probably never receive them. From that, he became everything my life was about, not because I was obsessed with him, but because some part of me somehow knew that all of this was temporary. As if I needed to capture this moment, because it might never come back at all.

Honestly, he’s the only man, I’ve ever loved, and probably will ever love. After that moment, every other boy has been monotonous, not as riveting and soul wrenching as this one. The boy I lost my heart to, barely knows me. Everyday day after school I would catch the bus, and live in the heart of the moment, talking with him, appreciating that this would be the only thing we’d sum up to. Bus rides home, and small talk down the street. Some part of me wanted something more out of it. Some part of me wanted to desperately try and keep those moments alive, but I was pressured by an impeding reality that it had to end…It demanded to end.

Accepting the fact that I was only meant to watch love, instead of being a part of it was hard to come to terms with at first. But, slowly I slipped into the passenger seat, watch one of the best things slip right past. I can tell you, there were nights, I was frustrated, I wanted everything to be clear. Should I take the leap and say how much he has changed my world, or should I just wait because I knew innately that this was going to end. Now I watch, look at him at awe, taking as much as I can with me on my walks home.

He was a breeze that made you remember an old memory, one that would make you laugh… I knew we were going to end even though we never really started. I guess I just wanted more. I didn’t want this to be something I’d just let slip and regret it for the rest of my life.

He was a daydream I wished would never end.