Usually I’d write to you five pages of how my year had played out and then I’d get all sentimental about all of the moments that I’ll never manage to get back. But, for once things were a little bit in the moment, rather than reflecting on the moment.
So, I’m sorry for ghosting you, for leaving pieces of this story left untold, not that it means anything really. I’m sorry for continuing to lose sight of what I find refuge in, and completely vanishing off the face of the earth, with no explanation just to return a few months later, a little more sorry than the last. I can’t guarantee you anything because after all, I’m all of what it means to be lost, trying to feel found, so I’ll stumble and I’ll fall. That’s me. I can only promise to try a little more…
But, I’m not sorry for the fact that I felt oddly free in my absence. In a short amount of time, I wasn’t observing for once, but actually experiencing, without the need to try and understand it.
I mean I went to my first concert, and if I could only describe how it felt to have sound pulse through you, I’d never stop. But I just stood there, puppy eyed, feeling so much. I also became friends with the night, roaming the city with another lonesome soul. And I mean, for once I didn’t write my five page letter every 31st December to commemorate the highlights of the year, of how much I’ll miss it, and how it has taught me more than the last. I went out to the beach, drunk, and cried because the stars looked so pretty for the first time in my life.
It’s funny, because my mum often says I cried because I was drunk and was just sensitive, but in all honesty, I was so fully aware of the moment, being drunk was just an excuse. I would’ve cried sober, but they wouldn’t know that, they don’t know that.
I stayed up all night, sitting on a park bench with a boy, on numerous occasions talking about everything we could possibly cover if we were ever asked. I lived, without having to think about consequences, or repercussions. We were just two peas in a pod, not asking for much.
I literally was falling in love with moments, as they were happening, not being fearful or nostalgic of it ending, but just letting go completely, and allowing myself to feel.
I’ve learnt a lot about what I’ve needed during this small, but vital change in my life. I stepped out of my comfort zone and it was exhilarating but also very telling. It’s revealed a lot of what I’ve chosen to hide over time, and what I’ve secretly wanted, so I’m thankful for the turn of events these last few months. I really am.
I’ve had the time of my life, taking it all in. It’s been just beautiful, if you’d ask me.
So, I’m sorry for losing sight, but I’m also thankful for losing sight, if you know what I mean.
I’ll see you when I see you…