Desperate times call for desperate measures right?

I have been on holidays from school and ever since then I felt as if I had an epiphany. About life, about love, and about how I can capture the world, instead of waiting to be captured by the world.

It’s kind of crazy, now that I think about it. I was going to school happily for the majority of 2017, then all of a sudden, a reality I never knew, hit me. I was scared of this reality when I first encountered it, but eventually I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I elaborated more in my last posts, but I realised mainly over the last two weeks, that I am finishing school and stepping into the big world now. It’s not this microcosm where everyone worries about whether they had finished their homework or not. It’s something so much more bigger than all of us and our small thoughts. Bills, reality, life.

Looking back at it now, I can’t believe that my schoolmates and I worried about whether we finished an essay or not. When we stressed unnecessarily. Fun times. Slowly ending my high school life, I started to realise this even more. With that came a form of desperation to get my life sorted… Find a way to stay on top of life instead of drowning in it. From that, I planned where I wanted to be in the next few years, how I want my life to turn out and what I want to achieve. I haven’t created a crazy trajectory yet, but I realised that I need to be mature now. School was a fairytale, that I enjoyed a lot. But it had to end. I just wasn’t aware of it.

This blog was what I fell on when I started to think.. I started to draft about it and put effort into it for once since last year. This blog was reignited not because I realised that the thing I thought was going to last forever, wasn’t going to last forever. It was because I realised that I can go out into the real world, get a job and get easy money. Get a car, go rent a house and let people dictate my life. Start living an ordinary life. Or I can do things the way I want to. A lot of people in school still believe that they can succeed if they go to university for four years. That their lives will be promising. I could work years towards that if I wanted to. But some dying urge in me is fighting. Wondering why I can’t make my life happen right now. Why I can’t start a business, or do something so I don’t have to devolve into this cycle of waiting forever so that life will happen

I don’t like to blame anyone or anything for the way our educational systems are constructed. The way they favour people who choose to study, over trade jobs etc. There are good and bad things to everything to this world. I just know that a lot of people including me thought that getting a degree was a way to a promising life in the future. Jobs could be offered and we’d just jump straight into work. To an extent that is true, but what I’ve also realised is that there are so many other ways to take on life.

A friend who I know and will most likely keep very close to me is a major inspiration to me. During school, I saw him work on his business, building himself up and working very hard. He already concluded he wasn’t the educational type of student, but if you would just look at him, he decided to take life within his hands. His life wasn’t dependent on a possibility, or a degree, one day he decided to start a business and probably by this time next year, he will be guaranteed work. All because he chose to control his life. Yes, there was compromise. I guarantee that he is intelligent, he was just smart in his intelligence.

I feel that is why I have come to this blog. Not because I’m desperate, but because I don’t want to spend the next few years of my life working jobs that I won’t like. I want to breathe doing what I love. Like my friend, I want to take control of my life, today and forever.

I don’t know where this blog will take me. But some part of me doesn’t care. All I know is that if you love something enough, it’s bound to love you back.

Thank you for reading,

– Locke Dor

Love and all its complications.

It’s funny how I am writing about something I don’t really have the knowledge about. But love has always been this remarkable thing that I’m sucked into, regardless if I’m a part of it, or just watching it from the outside. Timeless love, stories of romance, accidental happenings. The truth is, I believe that love is this aspect of life that will never go out of style. We’ll write, sing, dance about it due to its universal ability to appeal to everyone.

I don’t know if I’ve been in love, but I know that I’ve watched people around me fall in love. I have chosen specifically though, to not immerse myself into modern romance solely due to  the fact that I’m an ancient type of lover. I see the world as it’s a fairytale and if there are miracles and accidents that happen which will steer into the right direction of love. Maybe I set my expectations too high when it comes to love. But what is the point in living if you aren’t going to expect the best and imaginative things in life?

I’ve fallen in love with paper characters, with narratives serenaded out of someones mouth. Inherently appealing to my own personal experiences with love. I like the fact that that we can use art to step beyond the reality of this life. To imagine that there is more to life than there really is.

One day we’ll all fall in love if we haven’t already and in that time we’ll be challenged to re-evaluate our ideals of love, compromise for some sort of impeding reality, and become  a part of this world. I feel like every one in their lifetime goes through this stage. I guess that maybe I’ll give up on my delusional expectations. But for some unknown reason, I feel like an interesting part of love, is before love actually happens. Where you countlessly dream, fall in love innocently, if you know what I mean.

This post doesn’t have any strong message behind it. It’s just an attempt to understand why we love, how we love, and why it will always be considered the best aspects of life. Comment below, I’d love to converse about it. Genuinely.

Am I realising the treachery of the real world? – A diary entry from a 17 year old.

Today I woke up at 9:00am. Look I have made progress as minimal as it sounds, in comparison to other times I’ve woken up. Some I don’t want to tell you. I guess I want to stress that the little things do end up mattering once you look back on it.

I have been reading ‘I Was Here’ by Gayle Forman after reading her book ‘Just One Day’. It’s not too bad, but I have come to the idea that she’s a very dark writer. Not morbid type of dark, as her stories seem to engage me in a way that many other stories cannot seem to. But they also make me want to run away because of its undeniable truth… Her stories aren’t typical, an escape, it’s the truth, and that is what I’ve come to dislike yet still be enchanted. I think it’s because of her exquisite ability to keep the truth concealed, keep away the full story from the audience, and only choose to give snippets of it…

I guess I am choosing to read a lot more right now towards the end of my holidays, because one, I really do enjoy reading, and two, because the harsh reality of school is coming up, and I sadly don’t want to face it. Exams, which dictate my future. If I would have to say, reading and learning is so personal and meaningful to me. I would read all day if I had the chance, but whenever I think about school, it makes me want to retreat, makes me realise how much of a failure I’ll be in by my end of year exams. I know I won’t fail miserably, but for someone with high expectations ( I know I should get over myself) I know I won’t be crazy near to it than I would expect it to be, especially with the recent choices I’ve been making. To focus on more meaningful and spirit warming activities, like writing, reading books for fun, hanging out with my animals and my family. Cherishing the living and meaningful things of this life. To succeed in this education system requires you to attend practice exams throughout your holidays, keep on top of all your subjects homework, reread all of the learnt work texts, dedicate 3 hours to a practice English exam. – in which case I have 5 o ready Monday. I wonder how that will turn out…

The reality is, that I live in a circus of a house. It is impractical to expect me to sit down and do a practice exam so that I can achieve a better mark. I know everything is possible, but i’ve learn in these last two weeks that the education world doesn’t prepare you for the real world. What does an ‘A’ guarantee besides a possible university entrance, if it doesn’t give me money or an efficient way of living. So yes, I’ve been avoiding a lot. I just don’t see what happened to 1 hour of homework…

I finish high school in less than a month,and I realise that I’ve dedicated my life o the possibility of success. Getting good grades, trying really hard. I am not cynical, but the fragility of my life seems so clear to me right now. When I finish high school, I’m going to have a couple of months off. In that time, I’ll have no traffic of money, no sense of direction within my life. I’ll be in this limbo where everything is stagnant. Where I won’t be progressing nor staying remote either. Where my mum will kindly give me time to sort myself out, before chucking me out into the real world.

I’m going to try and finish my last year of high school off with a bang, because I know that I love and have always loved education. I’ve just started to understand the difference between dreams and reality. Of how there needs to be a balance.

Sometimes I think, what if, in all the holidays that has accumulated over my lifetime, I could of worked or let alone started something with my life. It was like I thought that I was going to be young forever, that I would have the luxury of time. I wish I didn’t think that school was going to last forever. I feel like so much unnecessary time was wasted. I could have used that time to make these days coming forwards, much easier and promising for me and my future. But I guess that’s the lesson I’ve got to learn.

I don’t ever want to be a negative encourager, now that my words reach out to real people instead of sitting inside of a diary for years, unread by everyone except me. Education is wonderful, a way to stimulate your mind. I’ve just learnt that it doesn’t fully give you a ticket to safety. You still have to pay bills, learn how to drive, have a stable income whether you’ve gone to school or not, I just thought foolishly that maybe education would give me a safety vest in comparison to a lot of other people in this world fighting the treacherous waves of life.

Yes, I’ve got school on Monday, but instead of worrying, I’m going to try and focus on the things that would really matter in my life. Like trying to heal and pay attention to your health, try to become an overall moral person.

Everyday ends with a tangent of regrets that follow me around. ‘What if I could have tried harder?’. ‘Could I have used my time more productively?’ The truth is, maybe I could, maybe all of these regrets that follow me hold some truth to it after all. But in these two weeks of holidays, I’ve learnt so much. That sometimes your perception of reality is only a microcosm of the truth.

I think, as funny as it sounds, I learnt, that I have to grow up…

Review: Just One Day – Gayle Forman

“Sheltered American good girl, Allyson, and wandering free-spirited Dutchman, Willem, spend a single magical day together in Paris before they are mysteriously separated. In the ensuing year of looking for the other, they both wind up finding more than they ever imagined. The duet of books and a novella explore the forces of fate versus will, of luck versus love—and the happiness that can be found when such seeming opposites intersect.” – An excerpt from Forman’s official website.

The book starts off with Allyson finishing high school at age 18 and going on this magical ‘Teen Tour” around Europe. Allyson, an intrinsically lost character, doesn’t strike the audience as the romantic type. In fact she never completely immerses herself into her travels throughout England, like the ‘typical’ tourist. The ‘Teen Tour’ Group on the other hand juxtapose her monotonous interest towards being in England. Forman depicts Allyson as an outsider looking into the world. A girl in the crowd, but oddly disassociating herself with the people in it. Highly influenced by Shakespeare, Forman includes plays like, ‘Macbeth’, ‘Hamlet’ and most of all ‘As You Like it’. Through these plays stems her transition into ‘adventure’. Essentially, her life turns when a young actor named Willem in an underground troupe performs “As You Like It”. Ultimately leading Allyson to a rabbit hole. Love. She travels into the heart of travel, spontaneity, and everything in between.

Allyson inherently comes in close contact with the art of theatre, or in other words pure expression. Enchanted by Willem’s performance, and by the quick glances, Allyson already taps into a version of herself America had never been able to give her. Adventure.

The anticipation hit it’s climax when Willem and Allyson decide to spontaneously take a trip to Paris from London. Here is when my expectations about this novel began to tumble. I thought this day was going to be a dream. Everything bucolic, something different. I thought they would fall in love, and the heat of the moment would bring out something bigger and extraordinary. But going to Paris, Forman centred their relationship based off an intimacy I wasn’t particularly fond of. A love that I believe had a melancholic twist to it. As much as it was wildly romantic, their intimacy wasn’t something vulnerable or beautifully tragic. I feel like it was necessity. For once they felt alive, in the moment. Back home, Allyson was in fact Allyson, but in Paris, she was Lulu, someone who took a leap of faith. Willem also, was this unpredictable roamer, but with Allyson he was stagnant, remote. Both Willem and Allyson had come together in perfect agreement. I loved the dynamics played behind this, from Allyson’s jealousy to the mysterious Celine, I just feel as if their love wasn’t entirely love. I feel like it was platonic in a sense that they were both at a time where they felt lost, and they came to find someone who thought the same.

There was this concept of only having a ‘day’ that constantly ran through their minds, which I felt influenced their romance a lot. It even followed Allyson back to America where she contemplated whether he had left her that morning in Paris, or whether he was going to come back. Another aspect of taking chance… When Allyson went back to the United States, she felt dispossessed, as if some part of her was left in the memory of her and Willem. For months the idea of losing him, was really a cover up for the loss she had felt for herself. Taking up science based subjects exhausted her, to the point she college became everything she never was. Through losing herself in Paris, her old self was no longer inviting. Ultimately, she became enthralled by the idea of Paris again, the idea of Willem and recapturing sparks. So, through this section, the novel became essentially a novel of self-discovery. I particularly felt bored throughout this whole section whilst reading it, as I wanted to focus on the romance aspect. However, I came to understand that Allyson’s experience was so extraordinary to her, that to feel alive again, she’d have to recapture it, even if that means to go to Paris again.

As much as this novel holds the exterior of a romance, I feel as if it is a bildungsroman, a novel where Allyson has to lose herself in order to find herself.

By deciding to go back to Paris a year later, she revisits all of the places where she had spent with Willem. Interestingly, in this section Allyson saw how lifeless and different the places were. They held her memories, but they didn’t hold the life she had desperately yearned for. It was through her friendship with Australian, Wren, she decided to create new memories, take a turn on her life. Decide to go to Croatia, decide to not want to see Willem. Here, I was surprised and buggered when I was reading this. I felt that there was no purpose, and that since she had made it to Holland (where Willem was born), surely she must be tempted to take that chance, become Lulu again. But Forman continued to surprise me. As much as you think you know it, the author turns it completely. So I sat through and watched Allyson wait to turn around until she sees him at a local performance of ‘As You Like It’. Here her flames reignited, she supposedly fell in love all over again, sensing a ‘trueness’ as he recited the words “forever and a day”.

By the end, Allyson decides to visit Willem the morning after the show. As she knocks on the door, all she can say is “Hi Willem, I’m Allyson”. Meeting a year later at an apartment block, just the two of them, was the perfect setting. I feel that it couldn’t be as confrontational as that. In this last part, Allyson becomes face to face with herself. By meeting Willem, she says her real name. Here she tells the truth to not only Willem but to herself. Forman keeps the mystery of Willem in her next novel ‘Just One Year’, but here I came to an understanding that Allyson needed to free herself from the idea that Lulu was in some distant country, away. Lulu was within her, a part of her. That Willem had shared that one day with Allyson.

I don’t know what type of love they have, but Forman has a way to keep the reader engaged.

Overall I would give this a 4 out of 5 stars. It isn’t the best book I’ve read, but the relationship between Allyson and Willem seems so unique, I can’t completely wrap my head around it, which I like. I do recommend reading it, but don’t expect too much… Keep your mind open.

Note: This is my first book review so sorry if I seem to be repetitive. I was trying to encapsulate me whole opinion into a readable passage.

Make sure to buy the book on BookDepository if you’re interested. Here’s my link: 

http://www.bookdepository.com/?a_aid=lockedor

 – Locke Dor

Humans and their innate attempt to deny truth.

via Daily Prompt: Deny

I don’t know what truth is, but all that I know about it, is that it is scary, it is reality. We have the tendency to deny what is too overwhelming for us. Sometimes, for our little minds, truth is too much to comprehend that we avoid the subject altogether. We almost need obvious truth, as if it were to happen right in front of us, to make us finally believe something. That’s the way we are. We will forever take the chance that maybe it isn’t true. Forever we will reason with ourselves from the harsh reality of this world. I don’t believe that’s a bad characteristic to have, it’s human. But to what extent will avoiding the truth eventually cost us our humanity?

We are after all beings heavily influenced by our emotions to the point it can blur logic and practicality…

Why do we deny truth?

Maybe it is not denial. Maybe it’s something more paradoxical. Maybe it’s ignorance… To say honestly, without my mother grounding me with strong morals, and healthy ways of thinking, I would have been oblivious to a lot of things. We can’t see truth clearly because we don’t have the correct tools needed in order to help us see it. Our world today lives without not really knowing anything about the world they live in. Who makes it go around, and why wars occur. Our world lives in this self-created utopia, that shelters them from the truth. In this utopia, we watch television, and television tells us what we should know. We go to a supermarket where our food is given to us in colourful boxes. It’s like a staged play with puppets. We watch intently a show, whilst behind the stage is the shocking reality. Fluoride in toothpaste and all of those other so called conspiracy theories. Is this all a distraction? I tend to ask myself… I think we deny truth because we haven’t become accustomed to how powerful it is. We would rather die, than face it. I mean if the world, if knowledge, food and everything essential is right there at the edge of your fingertips, why think about a world where you might have to possibly grow your own food, build your own houses. We live in a society that seems so promising, capitalistic, where you can achieve anything you’d ever want. I can accurately say that truth seems to be the last thing on anyone’s mind. There are more dreams, aspirations and idealistic things to worry about. Until truth knocks on your back door…

What happens when we face truth? Another baffling idea that seems to be interesting to me is how people react to truth when you see them. Humans are weird. They would rather suffer peacefully in a nice secure bubble, than ever want to be aware of the dangers of this world. Maybe it’s comfort and stability. If we were to break down the veils and lies of the world, we would not be fooled by this illusion of stability. But we would also want to put that veil back up in order to make us feel safe again. Our whole protective barrier will dissipate, reveal the hard earned truth. Sometimes that’s too much. Call me a conspiracy theorist, though I don’t believe those entirely either. I just believe it’s healthy to question everything. I mean if we don’t, why are we living? We can’t be sheep and follow the herd, though we tend to do that naturally. We have to question, ‘who is leading that herd’ and ‘where are they leading us to’. Most truths are sugarcoated, distorted, fit to benefit someone else. It has the idea that it is the truth, but is twisted. Look at Orwell’s ‘1984’ and ‘Animal Farm’. It clearly suggests that if you tell a lie long enough, sooner or later it will eventually become truth, even if it isn’t necessary ‘true’.

I am constantly challenged on whether what ‘I’ perceive to be true, is actually true, or whether it’s a desire, a hope so that I don’t have to face the treachery of the world. So everyday, there’s a war going on with my mind. Who is controlling it. Me, or some subliminal entity. One thing that I’ve learnt and that I hope you learn as a reader, is to be observant. Never trust the surface of what so called ‘truth’ is given to you, but always aim to figure out the intention behind the ‘truth’.

This, is where you’ll fall into a rabbit hole.

Trying to wake up early – Taking steps to a better lifestyle.

I’ve never been particularly fond of lifestyle blogs, because personally I felt excluded, but I don’t know. I feel like there’s some understanding within me developing for it. Essentially, whether you’re a lifestyle or any other blogger as a matter of fact, I think as writers we all attempt to make sense of life. We write down words which comfort us. We express our daily endeavours, and all the bad experiences that comes along with it. All to just express one thing. That for once, we seem to managing and getting on top of ourselves.

If you read my other posts, (which you should check out) I talked a lot about lost dreams and procrastination to put it short. I even talked about a really inspirational talk from an old wise man that I had. He said that you have to “work hard”, that “when I was your age I thought I was going to stay young forever”. Obviously when I was younger, I’d look at him with disinterest and be like “okay, okay”. But I guess now that I am nearing my journey of high school, his words are becoming prominent, always reminding me of the wasted time I’ve used, and now looking into the future, the possible time I am going to lose, if I don’t get up and take control of my life. So this morning, as difficult as it was I got up at 9:00am. It wasn’t me waking up to an alarm I set last night. It was me forcing myself up instead of continuing with my slumber. It was difficult to be honest. I wanted to keep sleeping, close my eyes. But every night I have been going to sleep, I contemplate how much time I would waste if I don’t try to improve myself and my performance every day going forward. Maybe 9:00am isn’t impressive, but it’s a start for me.

As soon as I woke up, I had the urge to come on WordPress, try and work even though I hadn’t eaten breakfast. From then, I wrote two paragraphs on this post before eating cereal. I know it’s not the best health option (cereal I mean), but I am getting there. Anyways, back on topic. By waking up early, it inspired me to write this post. A post not about having a positive outlook on life, and creating fitness journals etc. But about me trying to pick up the lost pieces of myself. Not let my life drag on the floor but carry it on my back.

So now, I’m here writing a post kind of about productivity. I plan to write this post in a quick amount of time, instead of taking a day writing what I usually want to say, otherwise hypocrisy might as well be my name. Because in the end, life has to move, and it won’t wait for someone who uses a day to write one blog post right?

I guess this blog has no real context, no real message to convey to the audience. I think the main message I want to portray is that, the little things will make you feel better. If you’re reading this after roaming on the internet for hours on end (like me usually), this is me telling you that change is right in front of you. Maybe don’t set up these crazy goals which make you feel crazy negative about yourself. Just start off slowly. Make sure you are fair to yourself. Don’t bash yourself because some dreams seem too far off. They probably are. Maybe if you’re in the same boat as me, just get up early in the morning.

I’m really not fond of these types of blogs personally. I believe it is motivating, but makes you feel like crap also when you read this and you look at yourself. But let me try and explain it in the best possible way that I can…

Life is brutal. You’ll never win with it. Your life, memories, everything that you have attempted to create can crumble if an ocean were to take you out. Our lives are tangible. We are small creatures with a big imagination. But we can’t dwell on what we cannot govern. We’ll never know why we exist. But we exist, we are breathing. We don’t have the luxury of time. I could say live happily, but I want to say live kindly, to not just everyone but to yourself. don’t waste years dwelling on life to come around. It won’t. It doesn’t have personal relationships with its inhabitants. In the end, we all die alone accountable for every choice we make. So take control of your life now.

In the end, you’ve only got you.

Ways to keep up with lost dreams…

I used to be a dreamer. Strings of lights flew throughout me, but eventually all the dreams I had when I was younger, started to fade out.

Essentially, the dream of this blog, stemmed off my enjoyment of writing. My mother had repeatedly told me that if you find a way when you’re young to become your own boss, you will have an easier life than others. You won’t feel used. I took that advice and hopped here on WordPress. But eventually, I fell out. I wouldn’t say I fell out because of the lack of motivation. I mean, how can you lose motivation in talking about your life, and encounters with everyday issues? I think it was not knowing what I wanted to write about exactly. Not knowing where Locke Dor was going entirely. Not knowing whether this was a dream or a temporary hobby. What I wrote last year was a rubble of talking about simple objects to vague diary entries. But deciding to leave WordPress, like that, I created a lost dream.

My decision to try and make my blog work again, came from a really dark place. A place full of desperation. I feel like I can’t waste time, I need to treat every moment with so much diligence and effort. Post once a day at least and work everyday towards making this blog bigger, and better. If you haven’t heard much about me, I am a procrastinator, and for years I think I have been lazy in how I approach life. If you haven’t read my last post I highly recommend it, since it will tell you a lot about how I have found my way back to WordPress. But back to what I have been saying, I have neglected this blog for about 1, nearly 2 years, because I thought life gave me the pleasure of time. I mean I’m young, I can do it next week, I would say. But sooner or later those days turned into weeks, those weeks into years.

Ever since I was thirteen, I valued education. It became a dream. One that hasn’t faded out, but now am questioning it’s worth. I would study, come home, study more, after watching shows obviously. But my life revolved around it… I remember coming home after a long 40 minute drive into the country and jumping on my desk to start homework. But when I was younger I had a distorted image of learning and education. Some parts of me think that I didn’t like learning for the sake of learning, but for the rewards that came after it. Being called smart, everyone looking up to you, being an academic student… My love for learning was based off how much attention I could get from people, how much my ego would grow. To say it simply, I loved satisfying my ego. So, that has been one of my dreams. A dream that isn’t lost but a dream that isn’t worth keeping.

During the time that I had established this ‘dream’, I had enjoyed many other things like writing, performing. My dream of performing, came alive in 2015 when I performed at a dance convention at school. It was riveting when I performed. It felt like I was doing something that made my insides bubble, made me love the people I was working with. Made everything make sense. In that year, I knew more about myself than I have ever known. But I deserted that dream, when I decided not to give in the physical effort, keeping my body in shape, extending my abilities. I mean I still have the same passion, but now going on stage, I feel my insecurities flourish. Whilst keeping up my persona, I would struggle to keep my composure, struggle to show everyone that the moves I am performing is physically exhausting. Coming to finish my year whilst doing dance, I watch everyone around me being able to get good marks and ironically, the one thing I know I love, I feel I will never be able to succeed in it. Once again a dream that is slowly becoming deserted.

I don’t want to finalise anything, maybe performing is still there. Right now, I have to try and pick up the remaining pieces and attempt to pursue them, not for personal satisfaction but due to the fact that I love it.

2 years ago, I even developed the hobby of photography. Things naturally very creative. But with me, I have the tendency to fall on extremes. When I enjoyed education, I worked hard to satisfy my ego. When I loved doing what I dreamed of, somehow it grew into something also to satisfy my ego, even if it wasn’t my initial intention. So after 2016, I went through this black phase, where my life was relatively monotonous. I tried to keep my ambitions level with my morals, and try and be patient. Live each day as it goes, and try not to catch up with a dream. Not to measure how many years I can have of success. That’s where this blog initially came from. Not when I was in my monotonous phase but when I was in my ‘I can conquer the world’ phase. Now that I’m in that relatively balanced phase, I try to keep a measured mindset with how I approach my dreams.

Over the years, I’ve lost or feel in the midst of losing some of the dreams I’ve felt I’ve had from a very young age. My love for education is diminishing, as I realise that as much as I want to do well in my last year of high school, the real world wouldn’t care about it. I don’t know where my dream of performing is going to go. Whether it was just a typical teenage phase or whether it was something meaningful.

But one thing that has remained the same is my dream for writing. Even when I wasn’t writing here on WordPress, I was writing in my diary, or on my phone on the way home after school. Somehow, writing incorporated itself into my everyday life… I don’t know what to think, now that I see so many things I’ve developed passion for, start to slip out of my hands. Not because I want it to, but because it’s too hard to grab onto it. Writing seems to be the only tangible thing for me…

Most of my dreams are lost, deserted. But then sometimes I think, you need to lose yourself in order to find yourself. Create a void in order to choose which puzzle seems to fit perfectly…

 

When an epiphany comes about, write about it.

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we in the clear yet? – Taylor Swift.

I’m here writing, with no real reasons why. All I know, is that today I realised that I am finishing high school really soon. With no entire idea of what I want to do with my life. And that is kind of killing me.

A year ago, I was full of ambitions. I wanted to succeed here on WordPress, and have my own business, become an actress. I had a trajectory of where I wanted my life to go. In other words I was sorted, and I was in control. But today, I looked at myself, after talking to my brother on the phone. He kept saying ‘work hard’ ‘stop being lazy because you are only getting older’. ‘You need to put something in this world to get something out of it’. I took his advice deeply. I could feel him say ‘use every minute productively and always work towards securing yourself’. It really hit me hard. I reflected on myself, how during these school holidays, I have been getting up around 10:00am, eating then sitting down. How many days I’ve done this, makes me so ashamed. Possibly years of wasted time…

Throughout the years though I have mastered the trick of fooling myself, making myself believe I do more than I actually do. Growing up, I worked hard at school, achieved great marks etc. In all honesty, I’ve been a relatively good kid I think, to my parents. I’ve slipped up here and there occasionally, but I’ve come home saying to my mother how much I like school, and how I’ve always tried my best. But some part of me always thinks that that doesn’t necessarily make you a successful child…

I’m starting to finalise my year as a student and it’s making me realise so much. I don’t know where I am, who I am, or where I sit in this pit we all call life. All I know is that today this desperation started to travel throughout me. A thought saying ‘if you don’t make anything of yourself, life will consume you’. I know last year I wanted to attend university undertaking a degree in professional writing and editing, then leading on to Journalism. But now everything seems vague. I don’t have the money, I don’t have the drive for it anymore. Not just that, going to university doesn’t solve anything. It won’t help me achieve my dreams, it will prolong it, distract me from what I really want from this world. Everything has changed. All I feel is this desperation to try and get on top before I fall.

Maybe I can become the ‘master of my fate, the captain of my soul’. Start today and try and make a success of myself… Try and climb out of this pit…

I’ve been a huge supporter of education, and to this day I feel as if it’s essential, but some form of reality is hitting me that education never taught me about. I know right, how ironic. But in all honesty, I’m going to leave this place with a score that won’t even matter in the real world. Yes it might guarantee me an entrance into a university, but I’m just going to keep trying to keep up with myself…I’ll need to satisfy my desires once more in hopes of getting a job. And when I get a job, will work the rest of my life trying to satisfy other’s dreams… I think I have realised that no one is out there for you when you leave school. Those teachers that wanted you to get the best score, were doing only that. What about the months after I leave school? What about everything else? I know I am becoming an adult, and can feel my mother start to push responsibility on me. After all, I’m not a kid anymore, my choices will have consequences, and no one will be there to shelter me from it.

I think under everything, I realised that no one is out there for you. I’ve spent my years in high school, working my butt off just to get the satisfaction of having a nice ‘A’ or 80% on a test. No one is going to hold my hand. I can’t drive unlike people my age, I can’t do a lot like people my age. But life is brutal, it doesn’t care. If I want to at least control my own life, I need to fight for it. I mean my desire for satisfaction has worsened even more now that I’m in year 12, as I am always faced with the idea that every test goes towards my overall score, everything matters. FOR WHAT?

I guess that’s why I am here, one year later, attempting to reignite a flame. I could say I want to act, perform, start my business, do all of these things, but nothing is as reassuring as me coming here to write. I’m here realising that I need to climb out of this hole before it consumes me, and writing seems to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I could get a job, but everyone around me looks miserable, stagnant. Even my mum has said they have to go the hard way in order for them to realise that they don’t want to feel used. She says this with personal experience, being at an age where she is enslaved with getting money just to get by. I guess she has a lot of hopes for me, not to make the same choice. And I feel like I want to consider that.

I’m here because this is all I have. This may not bring me money, but it will be a place where I can be honest, where I can talk to people, and eventually bring my ideas into reality. I don’t know what writing will bring me, but maybe my story might resonate with people, maybe I might make friends. I don’t say this with an aim to get money, I say this with an aim to get somewhere. I’ve realised that nothing is going to save me, besides myself. Writing just seems like the only key.

I don’t know where Locke Dor is going to go, or how far she’ll go, but right now she seems like my only rope to drag me out of this. And I’m desperate to get out.